Who is a Surrogate? The Woman Behind the Baby Bump

Who is a Surrogate?  The Woman Behind the Baby Bump
by Kayla Mossien

She's strong.  She's courageous.  She's powerful.  She is a surrogate.

Incredible women are out there, willing to make miracles happen through gestational surrogacy.  They
come from all walks of life - the stay-at-home-mom raising toddlers, the executive who loves being pregnant, the fertile woman who simply feels compelled to help a couple in need.  Their motivations and personal interests all vary, but they share a common thread.  Surrogates are human beings who are willing and able to do something incredible for someone else.  We thought we'd take some time to educate you on - and clear up some common misconceptions about - what it takes for a woman to be a successful surrogate.

She ought to be...

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Talking With Others About Surrogacy

I receive many emails asking for help with talking to others about surrogacy. Women seeking advice on how to talk about surrogacy with family, friends and their community. I recently ran across a poll/advice post on Facebook regarding surrogates who choose to talk with others about their surrogacy journey and was saddened to see that many, MANY women choose not to share information about their surrogacy because of the fear that others will not understand or be supportive.  

There are misconceptions about what surrogacy is all about.  Society is often misinformed and even more often uninformed.  We, as a surrogacy community are a tight group.  We're extremely supportive of one another simply because we understand.  We get it.  It is a personal goal of mine to do my part to help others "get it." Won't you join me?

Some people are always up for an argument.  They have strong beliefs and would like nothing more than for you to feel badly about the fact that you don't share their beliefs.  Other people (usually close friends and family) are truly concerned for your physical or mental well being.  I have composed a list of tips - things that I've found helpful when speaking with others about becoming a surrogate or about surrogacy in general.  

Enter the conversation with strength and pride
It's difficult for others to find fault or want to argue with you if they can see how passionate you are about surrogacy.

Reassure them
Some people will likely be concerned for you, both physically and emotionally. This is understandable and acceptable.  Share with them that you've considered and researched both the physical and emotional pieces and that you are confident in your decision.  Provide them with plenty of information so that you can reassure them of your physical and emotional health.

Be open and knowledgeable
Not many people know about or understand how surrogacy really works.  Share with them EVERYTHING you know.  Show them what a beautiful thing surrogacy is. Address ALL of their questions and concerns calmly.  They will likely have a lot of pre-conceived notions and assumptions.  Let them know that you'll answer all of their questions - whenever they have them.  If you don't know the answers to their questions, tell them you'll find out.  You can refer them to places online where they can learn more about surrogacy.  Show them what surrogacy truly looks like.

Never become defensive or engage in an argument

This may be the most important piece of all.  If you stay calm, the other person is more likely to be willing to hear you speak.  That being said, it's ok for you to leave the discussion if the other person remains unsupportive.  If you leave with your grace and dignity intact, trust me when I say that you have made a HUGE statement to that person.  Most importantly, leave the conversation with the same confidence as when you entered it.  At the very least, you've educated, and education is half the battle.  

In order to have an impact on the current misconceptions, assumptions and lack of knowledge, we must be willing to talk about what it is we do.  Talking is a hugely important piece of society.  It's how we communicate and express ourselves, and talking plays a crucial role in educating others.  Don't believe me?  Just ask these two:

Une mère-porteuse

A couple weeks ago, I was given the opportunity to speak with a French reporter about surrogacy.  Surrogacy is illegal in France and many people are not comfortable with the idea.  In fact, some people believe that a surrogate is selling not only herself, but also the baby or babies she carries. Often times a surrogate is seen as a prostitute of sorts.  My interview went quite well and although as is typical with these types of things in that 95% of what we discussed is not included in the article, I left the interview feeling good about the fact that not only are we raising awareness, we are being given the opportunity to open up discussions which is exactly what it will take in order to begin changing hearts and minds.

Should you care to read the article 'En Francais', feel free to click on the link below.  I've used good ol' Google translate to share with you the loosely translated English version.  Of course, when I visited the 20 minutes website, I also chose to Google translate all of the comments.  Phew! Good thing this chick's got thick skin.    

Jeni Denhof, une mère-porteuse américaine, a donné naissance à des jumeaux pour un couple homoparental. DR

Link to article in 20 Minutes  

COMPANY - If the practice is becoming more democratic, Equation legal, economic and emotional remains complex ...

From our correspondent in Los Angeles,

"The woman who took our son for nine months has changed our lives." When Jen about the birth of her son as "the greatest gift" is that pregnancy was biologically impossible after his battle against cancer. The couple has used the husband's sperm and an anonymous donor oocyte and the egg has been successfully implanted in the uterus of a surrogate mother.

Jen chose surrogacy (GPA, or "surrogacy" in English) because it "provides greater legal protection." Some states such as California and Illinois to give effect prenatal judgments that allow parents to be the only recorded on the birth certificate, says Rose Pondel, lawyer and founder of the firm Family Formation Law Center. Except, the surrogate mother never provides oocyte. She can not claim a right parental or change his mind at the last minute because the child is not genetically hers. The procedure can also be easier than adoption, especially for couples and singles homoparental. However, it is two times more expensive and time, from 60,000 to 90,000 euros on average.

Womb for rent

United States, the GPA is not only legal in a dozen states, it is usually compensated between 15,000 and 25,000 euros. However, Jeni Denhof, allowing a couple to become fathers to twins, she rejects the idea "let [her] uterus against a check." According to this 36 year old woman, "the main motivation, is to make a gift of life. "

Circle Surogacy agency, which operates from the 90s, rejects all potential surrogates who have financial problems. Medical questionnaires, psychological assessment, investigation of a social worker ... Nothing is left to chance. "Out of 750 candidates, we retain only every 12-15 months," says founder John Weltman.

Another non-negotiable criterion: an applicant must already be a mother. Both parties are often represented by two lawyers and a contract forty pages covers all angles: financial compensation, diet, travel outside the state and even abortion clauses (in case of problems or genetic supernumerary embryos, for example).

"Mom lends his belly"

"At first my husband was reluctant. He was afraid of the physiological and psychological, "says Jeni. She also had to explain the situation to her two daughters, aged 5 and 9 years in these simple words: "Mom lends her womb the baby to a couple who can not have. It is neither Dad nor Mom and he will not return with us to the hospital. "" My daughters have asked, but the children understand, "says she.

Even at a distance, most families are in contact with surrogacy. The separation is a difficult time. "We all cried. Of course we love this life growing inside her womb. But we love him like a nephew, "describes Jeni. "George and Farid regularly send us photos of the twins. They are part of the family. "

Behind the scenes

According to estimates, between 1400 and 4000 birth place by GPA each year in the United States. Business is booming and at least one third of couples are foreigners, including French.

According to counsel Ponde Rose, "a vast majority ends well." But some saw a nightmare. In 2009, the agency and its director Surro Genesis evaporate in nature with two million. Surrogate mothers lose their health insurance and drowning in hospital bills of tens of thousands of dollars while couples say goodbye to their dream of becoming parents.

In America, the GPA "is less regulated than the sale of used cars," denounces the President of Barnard College, Debora Spar, in the book The Baby Business. For reasons of economy, some parents sometimes decide not to use agency or lawyer. On the website Craigslist, there are regular announcements of individuals offering their services. "We approach the sale of children," accuses Spar.

In addition to the ethical, legal framework remains ambiguous in some states. In 2011, a New Jersey court granted a surrogate mother visitation rights. If science allows almost anyone to become parents, justice and society are still trying to adapt.

 Philippe Berry