Happy 2nd Birthday!

2 years ago today these cuties were born, forever changing the lives of all who love them, myself included.  I have an overwhelming sense of pride that I was given the opportunity to be the woman that helped bring them into the world. Happy 2nd Birthday Gustavo and Milena!  Love you lots and lots!

Hoppy Easter

Commercials

Although I rarely watch them, I do love commercials.  It's fascinating to me to see the marketing strategies of various companies and organizations.  Usually, I'm just so anxious to see who was voted off the island, who used the fast pass and how America voted on American Idol, that I fast forward through the commercials, which is why I hadn't yet seen a super awesome commercial.

Family and friends began messaging, texting and emailing me about the latest Kindle commercial.  They said, they thought of me, figured I would be happy to see it and Skyler even said, "I just saw what is going to be your new favorite commercial."

I'm so proud.  Yes, I'm proud of Amazon, along with all of the other companies who promote equality.  I'm equally proud that when my family and friends see these companies promoting equality, they think of me.  What an awesome thing to be associated with.  Equality.  For All.  

Parenting WIN

And how about these awesome dads - just for good measure.

Une mère-porteuse

A couple weeks ago, I was given the opportunity to speak with a French reporter about surrogacy.  Surrogacy is illegal in France and many people are not comfortable with the idea.  In fact, some people believe that a surrogate is selling not only herself, but also the baby or babies she carries. Often times a surrogate is seen as a prostitute of sorts.  My interview went quite well and although as is typical with these types of things in that 95% of what we discussed is not included in the article, I left the interview feeling good about the fact that not only are we raising awareness, we are being given the opportunity to open up discussions which is exactly what it will take in order to begin changing hearts and minds.

Should you care to read the article 'En Francais', feel free to click on the link below.  I've used good ol' Google translate to share with you the loosely translated English version.  Of course, when I visited the 20 minutes website, I also chose to Google translate all of the comments.  Phew! Good thing this chick's got thick skin.    

Jeni Denhof, une mère-porteuse américaine, a donné naissance à des jumeaux pour un couple homoparental. DR

Link to article in 20 Minutes  

COMPANY - If the practice is becoming more democratic, Equation legal, economic and emotional remains complex ...

From our correspondent in Los Angeles,

"The woman who took our son for nine months has changed our lives." When Jen about the birth of her son as "the greatest gift" is that pregnancy was biologically impossible after his battle against cancer. The couple has used the husband's sperm and an anonymous donor oocyte and the egg has been successfully implanted in the uterus of a surrogate mother.

Jen chose surrogacy (GPA, or "surrogacy" in English) because it "provides greater legal protection." Some states such as California and Illinois to give effect prenatal judgments that allow parents to be the only recorded on the birth certificate, says Rose Pondel, lawyer and founder of the firm Family Formation Law Center. Except, the surrogate mother never provides oocyte. She can not claim a right parental or change his mind at the last minute because the child is not genetically hers. The procedure can also be easier than adoption, especially for couples and singles homoparental. However, it is two times more expensive and time, from 60,000 to 90,000 euros on average.

Womb for rent

United States, the GPA is not only legal in a dozen states, it is usually compensated between 15,000 and 25,000 euros. However, Jeni Denhof, allowing a couple to become fathers to twins, she rejects the idea "let [her] uterus against a check." According to this 36 year old woman, "the main motivation, is to make a gift of life. "

Circle Surogacy agency, which operates from the 90s, rejects all potential surrogates who have financial problems. Medical questionnaires, psychological assessment, investigation of a social worker ... Nothing is left to chance. "Out of 750 candidates, we retain only every 12-15 months," says founder John Weltman.

Another non-negotiable criterion: an applicant must already be a mother. Both parties are often represented by two lawyers and a contract forty pages covers all angles: financial compensation, diet, travel outside the state and even abortion clauses (in case of problems or genetic supernumerary embryos, for example).

"Mom lends his belly"

"At first my husband was reluctant. He was afraid of the physiological and psychological, "says Jeni. She also had to explain the situation to her two daughters, aged 5 and 9 years in these simple words: "Mom lends her womb the baby to a couple who can not have. It is neither Dad nor Mom and he will not return with us to the hospital. "" My daughters have asked, but the children understand, "says she.

Even at a distance, most families are in contact with surrogacy. The separation is a difficult time. "We all cried. Of course we love this life growing inside her womb. But we love him like a nephew, "describes Jeni. "George and Farid regularly send us photos of the twins. They are part of the family. "

Behind the scenes

According to estimates, between 1400 and 4000 birth place by GPA each year in the United States. Business is booming and at least one third of couples are foreigners, including French.

According to counsel Ponde Rose, "a vast majority ends well." But some saw a nightmare. In 2009, the agency and its director Surro Genesis evaporate in nature with two million. Surrogate mothers lose their health insurance and drowning in hospital bills of tens of thousands of dollars while couples say goodbye to their dream of becoming parents.

In America, the GPA "is less regulated than the sale of used cars," denounces the President of Barnard College, Debora Spar, in the book The Baby Business. For reasons of economy, some parents sometimes decide not to use agency or lawyer. On the website Craigslist, there are regular announcements of individuals offering their services. "We approach the sale of children," accuses Spar.

In addition to the ethical, legal framework remains ambiguous in some states. In 2011, a New Jersey court granted a surrogate mother visitation rights. If science allows almost anyone to become parents, justice and society are still trying to adapt.

 Philippe Berry

February 6, 2013

Every 6th of the month is special, 

but February 6th is extra special because it's also George's birthday!  

Happy Birthday George!

A Must Watch

Simply because it's Friday. 

Simply because we're constantly bombarded with bad news. 

Simply because we always need more happiness in the world.

This video is short.  And I promise, you won't be disappointed you took the time to watch.  I smiled.  I cried.  And my heart grew one size bigger.

In a world where we seem to focus on the negative, this is just a little (big) reminder that in general, the world is a positive place.  

In general...people are good.

Happy Friday!

Family

When I first saw this video, the thing that struck me was the normalcy of it.  Here you've got 2 dads with 2 kids....living life.  Just like any family you may see out there.  Making breakfast, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, tucking into bed.  It's just day to day tasks and events in this wonderful thing we call life.  We are ALL living this life.  In some households it's a mom and a dad taking care of these tasks and events.  In others it may be a mom or a dad who solely take care of things.  And in some cases, yes, you'll find 2 moms or 2 dads who are managing their family.  

Managing the family.  It's what we're all doing on a daily basis.  At the end of the day, as we climb into bed, we hope that it was a great day.  We like it when things get done and everyone is happy and healthy.  We look forward to the next day when we'll do it all again.

Does it really matter, 

as you turn out the lights, 

whether you roll over to give a kiss goodnight 

to your husband, your wife, your partner, or no one at all? 

It does not. 

The New TV Family

The New Normal.

Modern Family.

Guys With Kids.

Just a sampling of some of the television shows you can tune into this season.  The shows will make you laugh and they'll make you cry but most importantly, they will help to  change the way our society views family.

Obviously, The New Normal is a show that many surrogates and intended parents were excited about watching.  The feedback on the show is mixed.  Some love it and some hate it.  Some feel it "represents" and others argue that it's not realistic. Personally, I'm enjoying the show.  Sure, there are plenty of things that aren't an accurate representation, but in my mind there is a more important shift taking place.

Shows like these are creating characters that we fall in love with as viewers.  Character development is crucial for any TV show that's going to experience success on prime time.  Not only are the characters in these shows well developed, these shows are portraying a non-traditional family.  We have a single mom and surrogate mother.  We've got stay-at-home dads.  We've got gay couples who are creating families via adoption and surrogacy.

The more our society sees a variety of families, the more likely it is that it becomes accepted as the norm, and if we could just be honest with ourselves, the non-traditional family IS the norm!  It's our reality and we should embrace that.  These shows are helping to reinforce the fact that although families may LOOK different, if you peel away what the family "looks" like, you're simply left with....a family.  Not a gay family.  Not a divorced family.  Not a "non-traditional" family.  Just a family.

And as an incredibly lovable surrogate once said:

Politicking

I am not a very political person.  Scratch that.  In the past, I was not a very political person.  My political beliefs have changed.  Drastically.

I don't know if you've heard, but there's a bit of an uproar regarding recent statements made by Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy.

Oh...You've heard.

I do not wish to get into a huge debate here, but let me just say this about that. Does Mr. Cathy have a right to say what he did?  Sure he does.  Is Mr. Cathy realizing that there are just a few other folks out there who also have the right to speak their opinion?  I'm thinkin' he's realizing this....a few million sandwiches less at a time.  Freedom of speech does not mean that you do not have to endure the ramifications of your words.

Obviously, word of Mr. Cathy's statement has spread like wildfire on Facebook. My personal news feed shows some Chick-fil-A supporters here and there. And then there are the surrogates.  Smart, beautiful, full of life and passion surrogates.  I love you all.  These women are consistently posting about equality.  You can feel their passion in each and every post.
They're loud.  They're proud.

Many surrogates, myself included, have been given the opportunity to share close relationships with individuals who happen to be gay.  We witness first hand the love that these individuals have for one another.  We get to share in the moment that they learn they're pregnant.  We see the joy on their faces as their pregnancy progresses and we witness first hand the emotion that comes with a baby being born - a family being created.  Because of this, we become very defensive about the fact that these people we love so very much are not given the same rights as everyone else.

The same rights.

Everyone is different.  Not a single one of us is exactly the same as anyone else.  We all have different opinions.  We have different beliefs.  This is acceptable and good!  We ALL have the right to think and believe what we want. But do any of us have the right to determine someone else's basic human rights?   Think about it.  Someone once felt they had the right to say:

YOU CAN'T VOTE.
YOU CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL THERE.
YOU CAN'T DRINK FROM THAT WATER FOUNTAIN.
YOU CAN'T SIT THERE.

And here we are in Two Thousand Twelve and we're telling people:

YOU CAN'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU LOVE.

WHY??????

I would encourage those who do not believe in equality to take a moment - just one moment - to consider your own personal family.  Suppose your child or future grandchild reveals to you that they are gay.  Would you change your mind then?  Suppose someone made a huge impact on your life...imagine if a gay man or woman saved your life or the life of your child.  Could you look that person in the eye and support the fact that they are not given the same rights that you have?  We are talking about PEOPLE here...human beings. It's really quite simple.

To all of my fellow surrogates and equal rights supporters:  Keep up the good work!  I am so proud to know you all!  I'm proud of the fact that we are comfortable speaking out for equal rights.  We're making a difference!  On Facebook...and beyond.

***
By the way, if you and I are not already connected on Facebook and you'd like to be, let's make that happen!  Jeni on Facebook

"It's Not Fair"

Quite possibly my 3 least favorite words right now.  I must hear these 3 words approximately 8,463 times per day during the summer.  (I especially love it when the words are paired with a whiny voice and stomping.)

"It's not fair that Skyler gets to stay up later than me!"
"It's not fair that Savannah's chores are easier than mine!"
"It's not fair that we can't have a pet elephant who entertains us all day long by giving us elephant rides around the backyard while you pop us some popcorn for breakfast, lunch and dinner as we have fun playing with the lions and tigers and the clowns and then you bring us snow cones and we get shot out of a cannon for fun and then you surprise us with cotton candy and life is wonderful and...."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm the kind of mom who believes in reasoning with my children and explaining to them why things are the way they are whenever possible.

Upon hearing the first 3,691 "It's not fair's"of the day, I reply calmly, and explain that because they are 2 different human beings, with different needs, different skills and different desires, things cannot and should not always be 100% equal.

"It's not fair" numbers 3,692-8,462 create a little more anxiety in me.  I'm an incredibly patient person when it comes to raising children but I can feel that my fuse is shortening. My voice may be slightly raised as I explain to my dear, dear children:

"I'm pretty sure that if given the option, you two wouldn't want everything to be 100% equal and fair.  That would mean you both go to bed at exactly the same time. You both would need to wake up at the exact same time.  You'd do the same chores.  Eat the same foods.  Etc., etc., etc.

And yet, my explanations are simply not registering in these darling little girls' heads.  "It's not fair" # 8,463 actually creates smoke which escapes from my nose and ears, my eyes turn red and bulge out of my head, I open my mouth and out comes...

"LIFE'S NOT FAIR!  GET OVER IT!"

Although I do not feel proud about losing my cool, I usually don't hear those 3 pesky words for a good hour or two...after the smoke from my ears and nose has dissipated.

Then I realize, I am a hypocrite.

Why?

Because here I sit in my own adult world seeing headlines like this:

Gay rights: a world of inequality 


Chick-fil-A exec takes stance against same-sex marriage


Shocking level of inequality for LGBT families


And all I can think...what I want to scream out is:  "IT'S NOT FAIR!"  
***I may or may not say this in my whiny voice while stomping my feet.

I understand that obviously the issue of equality on a global scale is slightly larger than the issue of equality within the Denhof household.  However, what I am learning is that equality is something we all long for, from a very young age. I am beginning to understand that when my children cry out "It's not fair!", there are feelings, emotions and yes, even validity in their words.  It's natural to want equality and fairness.  It makes sense.  Why can't things just be equal, and fair? It seems so simple.  How frustrating that even as adults, there are millions of people across the globe who are made to feel less than equal.  Who are fighting to have basic rights.  Rights that every human being should have.  ...It's not fair.

I cannot guarantee that smoke will never again pour from my ears and nose when I hear those 3 words coming from my girls' mouths, but I do hope to have a better appreciation and understanding of the fact that they are feeling that something is unfair.  I hope to be able to show them that there are many things that should be and are fair, and that there are also things that should be fair that aren't. I will teach them that for those things which are not fair, we must maturely and respectfully fight for equality.

That being said, if I should have a weak moment and agree to the elephant, lions, and tigers in the backyard scenario, I WILL NOT be in charge of scooping poop, because...well....that just wouldn't be fair.

A Poster Couple A Year Later

By David Gibbons

Freedom to Marry (FTM) sparked its campaign to win the right to same-sex marriage in New York State last year with a series of short videos featuring charming, engaging gay couples–not least among them George Constantinou and Farid Ali Lancheros–that put a human face on the issue and helped insure the movement’s success.

Farid Ali Lancheros and George Constantinou with their son and daughter, Milena and Gustavo, at their restaurant Bogota Latin Bistro. Photo by Jonathan Springer.

“It was very much a fulfillment of our approach of giving the reachable but not-yet-reached personal, local stories that open hearts and change minds, as the president recently described,” said Evan Wolfson, founder and president of FTM and a civil rights lawyer who has argued cases all the way up to the Supreme Court.

The videos highlighted the couples’ commitment and sincerity, nudging viewers to the conclusion that they deserve a chance at marriage just like anybody else. Where are they today? Constantinou and Lancheros are about to get married, if only they can find an hour or two to tear themselves away from their thriving, demanding business and hurry down to the courthouse for a civil ceremony. (The celebration will come later.)

Their daily life constitutes a version of the classic American Dream: A young couple, the hard-working offspring of striving immigrants, sets up a household in Brooklyn, opens a restaurant a few blocks away, puts in the sweat, builds the business and, after a few years, decides to start a family.

“I guess you’d have to say we’re living the gay American dream,” Lancheros said. “It’s astounding. And it’s really testament to the fact that with determination, faith and action, all things are possible.”

The first and most obvious question–how did they have children?– is answered in their baby shower video. (Go to YouTube and search “George and Farid” or "Farid and George's Baby Shower.") The short answer is they worked with a Boston specialty clinic that found a compatible egg donor and a surrogate willing to bear twins. They each fertilized 10 eggs, and the two most viable were implanted–one from Constantinou’s batch and the other from Lancheros’, so each of the men would be the biological father of one of their children.

Lancheros, 47, is the son of a Colombian mother and Palestinian father. Constantinou, 36, is from Long Island; his mother immigrated from Costa Rica, his father from Cyprus. Together, they form a typical New York City melting-pot family.

The couple met at a speed-dating event in 2001 and have been together ever since. With his easygoing, fluid manner and quick smile, it’s no surprise that Constantinou found success young as a bartender and restaurant manager. Lancheros was reluctant to relinquish his 9-to-5 paycheck, but after a trip to Colombia where they sampled the local cuisine, Constantinou convinced him they ought to follow his dream and open their own restaurant.

Thus was born Bogota Latin Bistro in Park Slope, Brooklyn, on July 5, 2005. The place turned a profit almost immediately and has become one of the most popular, successful Latin-themed eateries in the five boroughs.

Their twins, Gustavo and Milena, were born Nov. 6, 2011, and they were able to attend the birth. “They are a delight–healthy, happy, and they both sleep through the night,” said Constantinou.  “They’re 7 and a half months old and are the most amazing babies–all smiles, they only cry when they’re hungry, they want to be picked up or they’re teething. Yesterday we had a first: Milena cried when we left for work.”

“In light of the fact that we’re both men, our pediatrician said she’s never met two calmer parents,” Lancheros said. “The restaurant is incredible training for that. Stuff happens and you manage, you forge ahead. I’ll tell you what: These two babies are a piece of cake compared to running a restaurant.”

Anyone who questions a gay couple’s suitability to marriage and raising kids need only glimpse Constantinou and Lancheros in action to sense not only the open, energetic, exuberant and humorous approach they take to negotiating the challenges of sustaining a relationship and becoming responsible, loving parents, but also the underlying seriousness and honesty of their commitment to the endeavor. But don’t trust this account; go online and check out Constantinou and Lancheros for yourself in their own words–and smiles.

George and Farid

Equality

I ordered these t-shirts a couple weeks ago from the Human Rights Campaign. This week I broke them in and proudly wore them as I went about my daily business.  Here is what I learned.

People.  Read.  Shirts.

I received many, MANY, MANY comments (compliments) about these shirts. Lots of "I love that", "Where'd you get that?" and even one "What's that mean?" All of the comments equal one thing.  An opportunity to talk.  About how simple, how important, equality is.

Not the speaking type?  No worries.  Let your shirt do the talking for you.

The HRC Store has lots of options.  Many ways to help spread the word.

Let's talk.

Sharing The Good News

Recently I received a compliment.  One that really stood out to me and has stuck with me ever since.  The compliment went something like this:

"Jeni, what I admire about you is how open you are about your journey and the guys.  Your pride shines through."

While it was a VERY sweet compliment that I will always treasure, it really got me to thinking about something.  When I began this journey in my oh so conservative community I often refer to as a bubble within a bubble, I wondered what the reaction would be from my peers when they learned that I was carrying babies for another family...a gay family.  I have definitely evolved over the course of a year and a half and the way I present our surrogacy has changed a bit over that time, but one thing has always remained the same.

I share.

With anyone.  With everyone.  I share.

A pregnant belly seems to be a blinking neon light invitation for conversation. Even the most introverted person will want to chat it up with a woman sporting a pregnant belly.  A twin pregnant belly is...well...twice the invitation.

I am blessed, or cursed depending on how you look at it, with the inability to be quiet.  As soon as someone would want to begin chatting about my pregnant belly, I was ALL OVER IT!  I immediately shared, with an overwhelming sense of pride, that I was carrying twins for a couple from New York.  Yes, I shared with VERY young children that the Dr. had put 2 babies from another family into my belly and that I was growing those babies for them.  The children would look at me with big eyes and giant smiles.  Even kids "get it" in simple terms.  And yes, I shared with the VERY old couple (I'm thinking late 80's/early90's), as we waited for an elevator, that the twins that I was carrying were for 2 men.  May I add that the old couple told me that what I was doing was incredible and referred to me as an angel on Earth.  That old man used his cane to shuffle to the elevator door and hold it for me as I exited on my floor.

I quickly noticed, and continue to notice that I get an overwhelming amount of acceptance and even respect from every person I have presented the idea of surrogacy to.  Now, have there been those individuals that started out not approving of what I was doing?  Yes.  Did I receive a dirty look here and there? Yes.  Did I witness a mom at my daughters' school whispering behind my back that I was a surrogate and would "give the babies away"?  Yes.  Did any of this bother me?  Not in the slightest.  You see, I strongly believe in what I did and who I did it for (I have yet to meet a surrogate who doesn't), and I made it a point to NEVER allow someone else's opinion to change that.

As I have come to know SO many of you within the surrogacy community, one thing is for certain.  We are proud.  I invite you, all of you...Surrogates, Intended Parents, Supporters...to share.  Surrogacy is becoming more and more common.  There are still a great deal of assumptions out there, a large amount of misinformation.  I see it as my duty and desire (perhaps you do as well) to help clarify those assumptions and correct that misinformation.  Through sharing, I have personally watched as those aforementioned individuals who initially disapproved of what I was doing, slowly changed their way of thinking as they learned more about what surrogacy truly looks like.  That whispering mom? Now one of my biggest supporters.  Here are my thoughts about presenting surrogacy to others.

Pride is respected.  I present surrogacy with a great deal of pride.  It's very obvious that I believe in what I am doing, and that makes it hard (or at least very awkward) for someone to disapprove or find fault with what I have chosen to do. A lack of pride can look like weakness to some, and thus make you more vulnerable to attack.   I say tell your story loud and proud, my friends!

Enthusiasm is infectious.  It's impossible for me to talk about surrogacy without having a gigantic smile on my face.  I tell stories.  Cute stories about George and Farid and the babies, funny stories about things that happened during the pregnancy, touching stories about our delivery...happy memories.  I am usually met with a very interested ear, and the smile I share is almost always returned.

I never, EVER become defensive.  Being defensive sets the stage for an argument and that is not how I choose to present surrogacy.  I can make a MUCH larger statement by remaining calm and cool, understanding and accepting, than by becoming defensive.  I am open about every step of the surrogacy process.  There is not a question you could ask that I won't answer. Why?  Because if you're curious about surrogacy and what it's all about, it is my honor to share that with you.   The better one understands surrogacy and all that it entails, the easier it becomes to accept it for what it really is...an amazing experience.

Together, you and I, we can make a difference.  We can help others to understand and fall in love with a topic that has changed all of OUR lives in one way or another.  Let's share the good news, people!

Who's in?

One Year Ago Today

The view from our hotel room.  George and Farid really spoiled us.

One year ago today, I woke up from a 3 hour sleep feeling incredibly excited...and a little scared. It was transfer day.  My mom, Jill and I took turns taking showers, and began getting ready for the trip from New York City to Connecticut.  Our morning consisted of Jeni "losing it" for a brief moment, as I was really feeling the pressure.  I wanted SO badly for this transfer to be successful.  Our morning also consisted of losing all power to our hotel room.  Did you know 3 blow dryers at once is too much juice for one hotel room?  :-)  Fortunately, hotel staff fixed the problem quickly and seemed to find the humor in 3 chicks trying to blow out their hair at once.  Hey!  A girl's gotta look nice when she's getting knocked up!

Stress much?

We made a quick stop at Starbucks for breakfast and we hit the road.  We made great time and arrived at Connecticut Fertility with time to spare.  This gave us some time to sit in the parking lot and process what was getting ready to occur and how amazing it all was.  It also gave me some time to become a little more nervous!

Mom and I.  Yes, I know...she's gorgeous.

We waited only a short time in the waiting room before being called back for the actual transfer. After they took me back to get changed, Dr. Doyle stopped by to say hello to Mom and Jill. They told him I was very nervous.  He asked what I was nervous about. They explained to him that I really wanted the transfer to work. He reassured them that it would work.  He felt extremely confident that I would become pregnant.  He was right.

These 2 beautiful embryos were transferred to my uterus.  

It was such an amazing moment. 

 I will never forget how full my heart felt at that moment.  

The 5 of us left the clinic with  two precious babies in tow.  

We grabbed a bite to eat on our way back to the city.

Once back at our lovely hotel, we took some time to chill.  I did a whole lot of this:

That evening the guys picked us up at the hotel and we all went to George's volleyball game.  It was super fun to see George and his team doing their thing and especially exciting that they won!  After the game, Farid and George took us on a little driving tour of New York City.  I absolutely adore New York City at night. I love New York City during the day too, but I think it's especially beautiful at night. We ended up ordering some dinner and having it delivered to our hotel room. We got a chance to eat, hang out, and chat.  We were all wearing our good luck bracelets that Skyler had made for us and we made lots and lots of  twin wishes.  I remember laying in bed that night, thinking...wondering.

Was I pregnant?  

Was I pregnant with twins?  

Yes, I thought.  Yes to both.

One year ago today I woke up after a 3 hour sleep feeling incredibly excited

...and a little scared.  

This morning I woke up after a 7 hour sleep feeling extremely happy

...and incredibly proud.  

For today, there are 2 men in Brooklyn who woke up to 2 beautiful babies.