A Surrogate's Point Of View

This post is a long time in coming.  I've thought and thought and thought about how to present this information so that it best represents how surrogates feel, and also allows Intended Parents to get a better idea of where their surrogate is coming from.  Allow me to begin this post by saying that although I believe many surrogates will agree with my point of view, I am only speaking for myself...how I feel and view things.

I have not been an Intended Parent.  I will never be able to fully communicate all of the emotions and feelings that an Intended Parent has.  This post is not designed to imply that I know where an Intended Parent is coming from. However, I am able to put myself in your shoes and imagine what kinds of things you must be feeling, thinking and wondering.  There must be many questions. Sensitive questions that you may have and may or may not feel comfortable asking.  I strongly believe in honesty and openness.  I believe that honesty and openness prevents misconceptions and assumptions.  Open communication is key, but sometimes, it's also awkward.  My hope is to address a few of the awkward topics found in surrogacy.  By being open...by being honest, I hope to shed some light on what a surrogate is truly thinking and feeling about carrying a baby for someone else.

First and foremost, once an Intended Parent chooses surrogacy as the way in which their child will be brought into this world, I imagine one of the scariest thoughts is:


WHAT IF MY SURROGATE WANTS TO KEEP MY BABY?

Talk to a surrogate...any gestational surrogate, and she'll tell you the same thing.  We do not, in any way, shape or form consider this our baby. We are very aware, from the get-go that this is your baby.  And we're happy about that.  Think about it this way, a surrogate is very capable of having her own children.  If she wanted to have a baby, it's a fairly simple process.  We would certainly choose to have our own baby if having one was what we desired. We've spent many months, sometimes years, researching and thinking about being a surrogate. We have a pretty good handle on what it might feel like to carry a baby for someone else.  We want to have a baby for you!  We want YOU to experience what we already have...a family. That truly is the main reason we do what we do.


WHAT IF SHE BECOMES ATTACHED TO MY BABY?

I've got news for you.  We will definitely become attached to your baby.  We love your baby very much. Turn the tables and imagine the opposite.  Let's say we didn't care about your baby.  We wouldn't bother with all of the injections and medications.  We would blow off Dr.'s appointments and instructions from our medical providers.  We wouldn't care about being healthy while we're carrying your child.  We would angrily endure the aches and pains of pregnancy, along with the difficult act of giving birth which does not exactly provide the most serene environment for your unborn baby. I would like to think that if given the choice, you would choose a surrogate who was going to love on your baby for the 9 months that she is carrying it, knowing that your child is in good hands.  And yes, even though we love your child, even though we are attached to your child, we want nothing more than to see you with your child.  It is not sad for us to see the baby we have lovingly cared for in your arms. In fact, it's the moment we live for.


WILL MY SURROGATE TAKE CARE OF HERSELF WHILE SHE'S PREGNANT?

You'll never find a healthier group of gals.  Well....maybe you could, but surrogates are definitely a healthy bunch.  If you're working with an agency, you probably know that we surrogates have to pass many medical and psychological screenings.  We are required to be healthy to begin with, and during the pregnancy we have the health of your baby in mind at all times.  We eat right, take care of our bodies and avoid anything that might harm your baby in the slightest.  A personal example: While carrying the twins, I was concerned at one point while in a movie theater, that it might be too loud for the babies.  That's right.  Too loud. I muffled the noise with my coat and arms.  :)  We want to make sure your babies are happy and healthy at all times. Now, this doesn't mean that we won't go back to our diet soda habit AFTER your baby is born, but during the pregnancy...you're good to go.  ;-)


WHAT DOES MY SURROGATE WANT FROM ME THROUGHOUT OUR JOURNEY?

Simple.  We want you to care. Being pregnant is so consuming.  There are very few moments in any given day where we are not 100% aware that we are pregnant. Pregnancy effects virtually everything we do. Eating, drinking, walking, sleeping, heck...even breathing! We gladly deal with it all because it's part of the gift we are giving.  We simply want to share the pregnancy with you.  We are experiencing every moment of every day of the pregnancy and we really want you to be a part of that.

We hope that you like us.
We hope that you trust us.
We hope that you appreciate us.
We melt when we learn that you are thinking of us.

We simply want to know that you care.


WILL MY SURROGATE BE SAD AFTER THE BABY IS BORN?

Possibly.  But not for the reason you might think.  We are not sad that the baby is not ours.  We are not sad that we are not becoming a mother.  The sadness that we feel is due to the fact that the journey that we have been on with YOU has come to an end.  We feel proud that we have succeeded in what we set out to do, and at the same time, we feel sad that the journey is over.  We may feel nervous and unsure about what our future looks like with you and your new family.  We sometimes worry that you'll forget about us. Some of these feelings are legitimate, some are fueled by hormones, but it's important that you know that it is in no way sad for us to be pregnant with, deliver, or see you with your baby.  Those moments are, in fact, some of the happiest moments of our lives.


WHAT DOES MY SURROGATE WANT FROM ME AFTER OUR JOURNEY?

Please know that you should never feel threatened that your surrogate is going to want to be the "mother" of your child. We have our own children.  We are happy moms already.  We are thrilled to see you in your role as "parent".  After the journey, what we really want is to know that you haven't forgotten us.  We miss you.  We think about you every day, and we would love to know that you think of us too from time to time. Skype, phone calls, emails, texts...we'll take whatever we can get.  After delivery we are very sensitive about giving you your space.  We recognize that you are busy and that the transition into parenting is consuming, so we hesitate to "bother" you with contact.  That being said, we live for updates about you and your new family.  Pictures of you and/or your family absolutely make our day. We are very proud of the gift we have given and getting to see and hear how happy you are with your family is icing on the cake.

Every Intended Parent/Surrogate relationship is a little different. Some are very personal and some are more business like.  The journey is unique for each of us.  My hope is that by addressing some of the fears and worries that may exist, there are fewer misconceptions, fewer assumptions about what a surrogate might be thinking and feeling.

In the end, no matter what YOUR journey looks like, the goal remains the same.

Surrogacy = One family helping another to create theirs.

Cheese

Do you like cheese?

I do.  A lot.

But not nearly as much as I love this girl.

Jesse

I officially met Jesse in February of 2011.  I had been reading her blog for quite some time and reached out to her in a comment.  She emailed me back about 5.2 seconds after I posted my comment.  We spent the next few days emailing each other back and forth.  We clicked.  We got each other.  We had a lot in common including a very similar twisted sense of humor.  We exchanged phone numbers and the rest, my friends, is history.  Jesse and I are now Ling Lost BFF's (our nickname is a result of a mis-typed text)  No need to point out who did the mis-typing (ahem).  

Obviously, I became pregnant shortly after Jesse and I met.  Although we were dying to meet in person, time got away from me and before I knew it, I was into the NO FLY ZONE.  14 days after we delivered the twins, Jesse became pregnant with a little boy for her IF's.  I was determined to meet this amazing woman in person, and decided we needed to MAKE it happen. 

This April...April 20th to be exact, I will be headed to Wisconsin!  The land of cheese.  I am so very excited to meet Jesse and her family.  I am really looking forward to spending some time with this ling lost friend of mine whom I have yet to meet in person.  I am quite certain that we will have a fantastic weekend together filled with lots of chatting and laughing.  I can't wait to see her beautiful pregnant belly and I am hoping that baby boy will give me a kick that can be felt from the outside while I am there.  I have already begun the countdown...

26 DAYS! 

BREAK OUT SOME CHEESE!

LING LOST, HERE I COME!

One Year Ago Today

The view from our hotel room.  George and Farid really spoiled us.

One year ago today, I woke up from a 3 hour sleep feeling incredibly excited...and a little scared. It was transfer day.  My mom, Jill and I took turns taking showers, and began getting ready for the trip from New York City to Connecticut.  Our morning consisted of Jeni "losing it" for a brief moment, as I was really feeling the pressure.  I wanted SO badly for this transfer to be successful.  Our morning also consisted of losing all power to our hotel room.  Did you know 3 blow dryers at once is too much juice for one hotel room?  :-)  Fortunately, hotel staff fixed the problem quickly and seemed to find the humor in 3 chicks trying to blow out their hair at once.  Hey!  A girl's gotta look nice when she's getting knocked up!

Stress much?

We made a quick stop at Starbucks for breakfast and we hit the road.  We made great time and arrived at Connecticut Fertility with time to spare.  This gave us some time to sit in the parking lot and process what was getting ready to occur and how amazing it all was.  It also gave me some time to become a little more nervous!

Mom and I.  Yes, I know...she's gorgeous.

We waited only a short time in the waiting room before being called back for the actual transfer. After they took me back to get changed, Dr. Doyle stopped by to say hello to Mom and Jill. They told him I was very nervous.  He asked what I was nervous about. They explained to him that I really wanted the transfer to work. He reassured them that it would work.  He felt extremely confident that I would become pregnant.  He was right.

These 2 beautiful embryos were transferred to my uterus.  

It was such an amazing moment. 

 I will never forget how full my heart felt at that moment.  

The 5 of us left the clinic with  two precious babies in tow.  

We grabbed a bite to eat on our way back to the city.

Once back at our lovely hotel, we took some time to chill.  I did a whole lot of this:

That evening the guys picked us up at the hotel and we all went to George's volleyball game.  It was super fun to see George and his team doing their thing and especially exciting that they won!  After the game, Farid and George took us on a little driving tour of New York City.  I absolutely adore New York City at night. I love New York City during the day too, but I think it's especially beautiful at night. We ended up ordering some dinner and having it delivered to our hotel room. We got a chance to eat, hang out, and chat.  We were all wearing our good luck bracelets that Skyler had made for us and we made lots and lots of  twin wishes.  I remember laying in bed that night, thinking...wondering.

Was I pregnant?  

Was I pregnant with twins?  

Yes, I thought.  Yes to both.

One year ago today I woke up after a 3 hour sleep feeling incredibly excited

...and a little scared.  

This morning I woke up after a 7 hour sleep feeling extremely happy

...and incredibly proud.  

For today, there are 2 men in Brooklyn who woke up to 2 beautiful babies.  

Tell Me What You See

Here's a fun game!

Take a look at the cheerful word search below.  

Scan the letters for words.  

The first four words you spot are said to describe you.  

Let's see if it's accurate.

Here's what I saw first:

1. Peaceful

2. Witty (Pronounced whitty)

3. Outspoken

4. Outgoing

Interesting...and eerily accurate.  

How about you?  What were the first 4 words you saw?

4 Laptops in 50 Days

I am on a real roll as far as laptops are concerned.  Not that you care much but allow me to tell you about my recent electronic nightmare.

For the last 5 years, I've owned a Toshiba laptop.  It was a dinosaur...weighed...oh, I don't know...maybe 200 pounds.  She breathed her last breath on February 1st.  RIP Dino Toshiba. You lived a full life.

I can't say I was really all that sad to see her go.  It was time.  Time for something fresh and new.  I did some research, went and looked at new laptops, and was quickly sold on the idea of an ultrabook.  Smaller, lighter, faster.  Yes please.

I purchased my new (Toshiba) ultrabook, which may I add was NOT INexpensive, and got her all set up.

30, yes 30 days later.  I'm diligently working on DQ end of the month paperwork, which is something I don't necessarily love to do.  Jeni gently places new ultrabook on the kitchen table, carefully lifts the screen up, and proceeds to hear a very small popping sound. The result of said popping noise looks a little something like this:

Awesome.  

I marched my big angry self back into Best Buy.  I was promptly told by the Geek Squad that my screen had cracked.  Gee, thanks for the diagnosis.  Geek, my a$$.  What could they do about the problem? Nada.  New screen for an ultrabook: $900.  New ultrabook:  $900.  Mr. Geek was especially sweet when he said, "I'll bet you wish you had purchased the extended warranty."  Jerk. I huffed and I puffed and I pretended to be strong...until I got to my car.  Cue the waterworks.  I allowed myself a few tears and then had a good ol' heart to heart with myself:

The computer is broken.  

Done.  

Nothing you can do about it.  

You can choose to continue to be sad and angry, or you can move on.

Move on.  

Back I go to Best Buy.  It was a little hard for me to not give Mr. Geek the stink-eye as I passed him.  Instead I chose to give him my very best smart aleck grin. I purchase yet another ultrabook.  I learn that I am entitled to return any (unbroken) laptop within 30 days of purchase.  And yes, I add the stinkin' extended warranty.

This ultrabook has not broken, but she's quirky.  She runs hot which I do not enjoy.  She likes to power off at random.  A few other functions are legit, but annoying.  As much as I like my humans quirky, I like my electronics to operate with perfection.  I do not handle electronic glitches well.  A very large portion of my life takes place from my computer and phone.  Some say that's a shame.  I say that's my life.  And as you all know, I love my life.  

I've been talking with others.  Here is what I express to them: 

I am unsatisfied with this laptop.  I L-O-V-E the ultrabook style.  It suits me perfectly.  I love the size, the weight and the speed.  I need an ultrabook that operates with 100% precision.  I don't have time for malfunctions, viruses or quirkiness.  I need something that is completely reliable.  What should I get?

Everyone tells me the same thing.

Can you guess what they tell me?

What would you tell me?

Did I do the right thing?

Since I now own a Macbook Air, it only makes sense that I also needed this, right?

Let the learning curve begin.

This One's For the Ladies...

...and some of you guys might enjoy as well!  :)

I'll bet your day just got a lot better, didn't it?  I know mine did!

Check out all of the Hey Girl Surrogacy Pics (yes, there are more) at 

Hey Girl Surrogacy

Have Passport, Will Travel

A passport I did not have.  A passport I desired.  A passport I applied for. 

 A passport I received.

Sad but true, I have been out of the country two times in my life.  That's right. TWO times.  Once was for approximately an hour and a half, 15 years ago, when we crossed over the border from San Diego to Tijuana.  This trip doesn't even really qualify in my book as leaving the country.  The second time was a great trip into Canada.  We enjoyed visiting Victoria and Vancouver very much.  These trips both took place before passports were necessary in order to cross the border.  Since passports became necessary, I've not had the need for one because the thought of traveling to other countries was a little scary for me.  

NO LONGER!

I am very much looking forward to exploring new countries!  I am ready to experience this great big wonderful world of ours!  

Do I need a passport at this very moment?  Probably not.  

Do I have a trip out of the country planned?  Unfortunately, no.  

But I will.  Soon enough.  You just wait and see.  This passport book will have her first stamp in it before we know it.  I can't wait!

For all of you world travelers out there...what countries would you recommend be on my top 10 list of places to visit?

4 Months Old!

Happy 4 Months Gustavo and Milena!

It's What I Do

Facebook AND Pinterest

You all know that we have a Facebook community right?  What??? You're not  following the Love Makes A Family Facebook page?  Well for goodness sake.  Take your pointer.  Point it right HERE. I'm waiting.......  Now guide it in a Northeastern direction.  A little further......STOP. See the Love Makes A Family Facebook widget? Click Like.  Great job!  Now you're a part of our Facebook family!  Still a little nervous about being a follower?  Here's the deal.  I promise I do not flood your news feed with posts.  Just a little happy post here and there to remind you that life is awesome, and so are you.  Also, I absolutely adore it when others post their happiness on our wall. The more joy and happiness in our lives, the better, I believe.  Just do it. Hit like.  If for no other reason than I would REALLY love to not have the follower number read "69" anymore.  Just sayin'.

And if you want even more wonderfulness in your life, Love Makes A Family is now on Pinterest!  Yes my friends, Love Makes A Family is just all over the place. Follow me there as well.  The user name is, yep you guessed it, LoveMakesAFamily.  I've posted a Follow Me button just under the previously mentioned Facebook button to make it oh so easy for you. Again, you'll see that I pin inspiring and encouraging pins about surrogacy, pregnancy, equality, kids, family, and a pin here and there that's just for fun.  I'm looking forward to catching up with you there!

Speaking of Pinterest, I've added a Pin It button to the left hand side of the blog in case you think this blog is so awesome that you want to pin it on your boards.  Would you like me to guide your pointer to the Pin It button?  :-) Having people share my blog with others is such a huge compliment and I blush every time I learn that someone has done so.  Can you see that I'm blushing right now? Aw shucks.

Until next time...be well.

5 Very's

Upon leaving 4th grade, Skyler's teacher asked the students to write a letter to their 5th grade teacher.  Skyler's current teacher ran across Skyler's letter to her in her files and shared it with me.

It was a real awwww moment for me when I read this letter.  It took me right back. It seems like just yesterday and yet an eternity ago.

It also made me realize that I need to have a discussion with Skyler.  A discussion about her declaration that I am very, very, very, very, very social.
5 Very's?  Really?  And is she suggesting I talk a lot?  How could she have possibly reached this conclusion?  I'm baffled.

Prove You're Not A Robot

Ever wonder who the lucky person is that sits around creating the verification words for blog comments?

And yes, it's got to be a person.  I will never believe that these words are randomly generated by a computer. No way.

A computer DOES NOT randomly generate:

You just KNOW there is this very small group of people, sitting around coming up with these words.  Sure, they throw in a bunch that are completely random, but that's just so that nobody finds out their secret.  WELL, your secret's out!  And I want your job.

Seriously.  What a great job!  You'd get to laugh every day, wondering how many people are chuckling, or even better, offended by, the "computer generated words".  Hee hee!  I wanna know where I can apply.

Your Calling

Every once in a while, I find that there is a word or phrase that I don't care for and it is at that moment that I decide to remove this word or phrase from my vocabulary.

Recently, there is a phrase that I have heard on several occasions that I have tossed into the vocabulary garbage can and I'd like to encourage you to do so as well.

"YOU MISSED YOUR CALLING."

Think about it.  It's a pretty depressing statement.  

How wonderful it is to have a calling, or even multiple callings.  But to tell someone they've missed it, is simply wrong.  What a negative view on life to imply that you've missed it. It's gone.  It's not capable of happening.

From this day forward I vow that the message that I will send is this:  

You've found a calling!  That's fantastic! 

Tell me what's next, now that you've realized your calling!

I'm also choosing to embrace the fact that we can have more than one calling. We are complex creatures with many talents and passions.  Develop those talents and passions and you've got yourself lots of opportunity, and thus, a calling.  Over the course of a lifetime, our callings might change, or evolve. Embrace your calling or callings.  Be grateful that you have realized them and make plans to do something with them.  Life is short.  Live it passionately.

And speaking of callings, here's a great article about them:

EMBRACING YOUR CALLING

Fighting the Fight

Today, I had the honor of being present for a chemo treatment.  Yes, the honor.

Rick's Aunt Lisa has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Today's treatment was to be 5 hours long, so we decided we'd use the time to do a little bit of work and a lot a bit of chat.  As I walked into the chemo room, it was difficult not to feel a level of sadness and despair.  Here sat all of these people, hooked up to machines that were pumping fluid into their bodies.  Men and women of all ages who have one thing in common.  They are all receiving treatment for cancer. They are all trying to survive.

I sat down with Lisa and we began to chat.  I believe in honesty, openness and keeping things real, so I asked questions.  Lisa was really good about filling me in about what her treatment looks like and the effects that the treatment has had thus far.  At one point she informed me that this new treatment was more aggressive (thus the 5 hours), but that because of this, she would not have a treatment next week.  I asked her if that was a good thing...would she rather have one longer session, and then not have to go back the next week.  Her response floored me.

"I wish they would keep me hooked up all the time.  GET RID OF IT!"

That was when it hit me.  These people are fighters.  I was in the presence of an incredible amount of strength.  All of these people aren't just trying to survive...they are FIGHTING for survival.  They aren't wishing for a raise at work, they aren't hoping for a good night's sleep, they couldn't care less whether the house is clean, or if they have a "busy day" ahead of them.  They want to SURVIVE!  And they're willing to fight for that survival!  What an incredible display of strength.  It was quite inspiring  The original feelings of sadness and despair had definitely been replaced.


I left there with a greater appreciation for life.

I left there with a true sense of perspective.

I left there feeling honored to have been able to spend a couple hours in the presence of such an exceptional amount of strength.

Twins Make A Great Team

When faced with the challenge of  writer's block, I searched for help.  I asked you, my readers, for ideas.  You were no help whatsoever.  :-)  I decided to turn to my good friend Google.  And do you think Google disappointed?  Of course not.  One of the pieces of advice I found was to scour the Internet for pictures and write about them.  How they make you feel, what you think happened just before, during or after the photo was taken, etc.  Great idea!  I scoured.  

The photos were funny.  They were sad.  They were beautiful.  They were not spurring any writing.  Fail.  I had another looksie today.  Here is one that got me thinking.  Let's see if it'll get me writing.

Ok, admit it.  You're smiling aren't you?  Me too.  Many probably look at this picture and feel sad for little Miss Green Onesie Twin.  (I've declared her a girl.)  I see something different. Partners in crime.  A kick-ass team of sorts.  I see a little girl who, although on board with the plan to make a break for it through the doggy door, was unsure about how bright of an idea it was.  I see a little boy who assured her that he had everything under control.  I picture this boy giving his twin sister a huge 4-tooth grin after he succeeds in getting her through the door. He takes a quick look over his shoulder to make sure he's still in the clear, and then manages to squeeze his adorable chubby thighs through that same doggy door.  Freedom!  I can imagine the pure elation those cuties must have felt realizing that their escape plan worked.  I also imagine the looks on their faces when they realize....

NOW WHAT?  

 More proof that twins make a great team:

So...I suppose you could say the plan worked!  I am writing.  My hope is that this strategy will open up the flood gates and I will have loads of fantastic writing in store for me.  But just in case I run short again, I will always have this picture to write about...

Oh. My. Goodness. :-)

New York ~ February 2012

Where, oh where to begin?  What a wonderful, nice, long weekend I had in New York.

To begin, Milena and Gustavo are the

 CUTEST, SWEETEST, SMILEY-EST, MOST WELL BEHAVED AND HAPPIEST 

twins on the planet...absolutely incredible in every way!

I'll be honest. I was a little nervous that maybe they wouldn't like me.  I got SO much snuggle time with the babies and the good news is I think they like me!  :-)  I got to feed them, change them, put them to sleep and even see them get a bath.  The babies are very happy.  They smile all the time and even giggle every now and then.  They are very calm and content which is in large part due to how calm their daddies are. Yes folks, I'm sure it will not surprise you to learn that George and Farid are still incredibly calm and cool with the parenting duties.

George and Farid are amazing.  Seriously. These guys were made to be many things but parents is right up there at the top.  I continue to be so impressed at how natural everything seems to be for them.  Farid and George make sure these babies are well taken care of in every way. Gustavo and Milena are surrounded with massive amounts of love every moment of every day. It's incredible and inspiring at the same time.

Celebrating George's birthday with friends and family

Marianna. A dear friend I was so thrilled to finally meet in person.

May I also add that George and Farid have the best friends EVER! We had friends over almost every day that I was there.  It was fun to catch up with so many people I've seen before on previous trips and to finally meet in person the ones that I have developed relationships with online.  They are all truly exceptional people who make me feel so welcome and loved.

It was great to be in the city, nice to be able to spend some time alone with the guys, fantastic to get so much cuddle time with sweet, sweet Milena and Gustavo, and so much fun to spend time with great friends.

What else can I say except that I am a very lucky girl. My heart is full.