Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Surrogate's Point Of View

This post is a long time in coming.  I've thought and thought and thought about how to present this information so that it best represents how surrogates feel, and also allows Intended Parents to get a better idea of where their surrogate is coming from.  Allow me to begin this post by saying that although I believe many surrogates will agree with my point of view, I am only speaking for I feel and view things.

I have not been an Intended Parent.  I will never be able to fully communicate all of the emotions and feelings that an Intended Parent has.  This post is not designed to imply that I know where an Intended Parent is coming from. However, I am able to put myself in your shoes and imagine what kinds of things you must be feeling, thinking and wondering.  There must be many questions. Sensitive questions that you may have and may or may not feel comfortable asking.  I strongly believe in honesty and openness.  I believe that honesty and openness prevents misconceptions and assumptions.  Open communication is key, but sometimes, it's also awkward.  My hope is to address a few of the awkward topics found in surrogacy.  By being being honest, I hope to shed some light on what a surrogate is truly thinking and feeling about carrying a baby for someone else.

First and foremost, once an Intended Parent chooses surrogacy as the way in which their child will be brought into this world, I imagine one of the scariest thoughts is:


Talk to a surrogate...any gestational surrogate, and she'll tell you the same thing.  We do not, in any way, shape or form consider this our baby. We are very aware, from the get-go that this is your baby.  And we're happy about that.  Think about it this way, a surrogate is very capable of having her own children.  If she wanted to have a baby, it's a fairly simple process.  We would certainly choose to have our own baby if having one was what we desired. We've spent many months, sometimes years, researching and thinking about being a surrogate. We have a pretty good handle on what it might feel like to carry a baby for someone else.  We want to have a baby for you!  We want YOU to experience what we already have...a family. That truly is the main reason we do what we do.


I've got news for you.  We will definitely become attached to your baby.  We love your baby very much. Turn the tables and imagine the opposite.  Let's say we didn't care about your baby.  We wouldn't bother with all of the injections and medications.  We would blow off Dr.'s appointments and instructions from our medical providers.  We wouldn't care about being healthy while we're carrying your child.  We would angrily endure the aches and pains of pregnancy, along with the difficult act of giving birth which does not exactly provide the most serene environment for your unborn baby. I would like to think that if given the choice, you would choose a surrogate who was going to love on your baby for the 9 months that she is carrying it, knowing that your child is in good hands.  And yes, even though we love your child, even though we are attached to your child, we want nothing more than to see you with your child.  It is not sad for us to see the baby we have lovingly cared for in your arms. In fact, it's the moment we live for.


You'll never find a healthier group of gals.  Well....maybe you could, but surrogates are definitely a healthy bunch.  If you're working with an agency, you probably know that we surrogates have to pass many medical and psychological screenings.  We are required to be healthy to begin with, and during the pregnancy we have the health of your baby in mind at all times.  We eat right, take care of our bodies and avoid anything that might harm your baby in the slightest.  A personal example: While carrying the twins, I was concerned at one point while in a movie theater, that it might be too loud for the babies.  That's right.  Too loud. I muffled the noise with my coat and arms.  :)  We want to make sure your babies are happy and healthy at all times. Now, this doesn't mean that we won't go back to our diet soda habit AFTER your baby is born, but during the're good to go.  ;-)


Simple.  We want you to care. Being pregnant is so consuming.  There are very few moments in any given day where we are not 100% aware that we are pregnant. Pregnancy effects virtually everything we do. Eating, drinking, walking, sleeping, heck...even breathing! We gladly deal with it all because it's part of the gift we are giving.  We simply want to share the pregnancy with you.  We are experiencing every moment of every day of the pregnancy and we really want you to be a part of that.

We hope that you like us.
We hope that you trust us.
We hope that you appreciate us.
We melt when we learn that you are thinking of us.

We simply want to know that you care.


Possibly.  But not for the reason you might think.  We are not sad that the baby is not ours.  We are not sad that we are not becoming a mother.  The sadness that we feel is due to the fact that the journey that we have been on with YOU has come to an end.  We feel proud that we have succeeded in what we set out to do, and at the same time, we feel sad that the journey is over.  We may feel nervous and unsure about what our future looks like with you and your new family.  We sometimes worry that you'll forget about us. Some of these feelings are legitimate, some are fueled by hormones, but it's important that you know that it is in no way sad for us to be pregnant with, deliver, or see you with your baby.  Those moments are, in fact, some of the happiest moments of our lives.


Please know that you should never feel threatened that your surrogate is going to want to be the "mother" of your child. We have our own children.  We are happy moms already.  We are thrilled to see you in your role as "parent".  After the journey, what we really want is to know that you haven't forgotten us.  We miss you.  We think about you every day, and we would love to know that you think of us too from time to time. Skype, phone calls, emails, texts...we'll take whatever we can get.  After delivery we are very sensitive about giving you your space.  We recognize that you are busy and that the transition into parenting is consuming, so we hesitate to "bother" you with contact.  That being said, we live for updates about you and your new family.  Pictures of you and/or your family absolutely make our day. We are very proud of the gift we have given and getting to see and hear how happy you are with your family is icing on the cake.

Every Intended Parent/Surrogate relationship is a little different. Some are very personal and some are more business like.  The journey is unique for each of us.  My hope is that by addressing some of the fears and worries that may exist, there are fewer misconceptions, fewer assumptions about what a surrogate might be thinking and feeling.

In the end, no matter what YOUR journey looks like, the goal remains the same.

Surrogacy = One family helping another to create theirs.


  1. Well said! Would it be OK with you if I put a link to this post on my blog? This addresses a lot of the concerns that I think a lot of friends and families have as well. I think you did a great job explaining it:o)

  2. Of course, Andrea! Share away! :)

  3. I'm going to share this on my blog as well. You are so amazing Jeni. Your family, your IFs, your surrotwins and us surrosisters are so blessed and lucky to know you and "know" you via cyberspace.
    <3 Danielle

  4. This is great! Thanks for sharing.

  5. Amazing. Love it.

    You are awesome.

  6. Thank you Jeni for putting this into words. It is so beautiful and spot on.

  7. Thank you Jeni! I absolutely love this!

  8. Oh...if only I had this before I started my process. I grew to LOVE my surrogate but always wondered what she was thinking. I clung to the texts she sent and over-analyzed every word in her emiails not knowing she might have been doing the same. It all worked out great, but this might have saved me some worrying when we first got started as we began to develop our relationship and trust. I hope other IPs see this.

  9. Holy cow, this post is perfect! I hope you don't mind me sharing it on my blog. Your words are exactly what I want others to understand about us crazy surros, lol.

  10. This is a great post Jeni! Thank you :)

  11. Thank you for sharing, it really helps everyone understand what so few can understand. I would love to hear from the spouses of surrogates and how it impacts them. My wife is worried how she will feel about the whole process.

  12. I love this!!!! I am an IP. I just had my retrieval on Thursday and we are hoping to transfer Tuesday. I have a great relationship with my GS and this makes me feel even better. Surrogates are the best!

  13. Thank-you for sharing that. Such an interesting glimpse into your world.

  14. I absolutely love this! I want to share on my blog! Thanks for articulating everything so well.

  15. Jeni, thank you for visiting my blog and for your comments. I followed you back to your own blog and must say I love this particular post. These are all thoughts that I have wanted to put into words and share but haven't yet. I hope you don't mine, I linked to your blog and shared this post in my update this week. :) Kind Regards!

  16. Hey jeni!

    I love your blog! I'm an intended mom and we are 7wk3d along! This post is awesome! U are amazing!
    Have a Suneday!


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